Kamna's Blog

Try as you might, fear follows, like a shadow, in all your pursuits Fear is an internalised response to trauma from early childhood years The firsts of new experiences often force us to face fear head on The first time you are left alone to attend school or made to independently perform chores The first time you address a crowd or speak your mind during a conflict The overcoming of fear always involves negotiation and more Someone famously once said "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" That makes so much sense because fear is such a predictable roadblock when charting any new path It is only once fear is renegotiated, harshly dissuaded, forcefully rebuked, overpowered with grit and sheer strength does it go away But it doesn't go away for good. It is also a self defense mechanism and therefore protects you from the foolishness of your impulses Truly it is foolishness that drives greatness The optimism of naivete propels you to attempt the seemingly impossible

Overwhelmed by visual stimuli I've forgotten the 16 things I was meaning to Google in the last 24 hours Maybe if I rewind to that episode where a mental lightbulb was lit it would come back to me? Or maybe if I just slow down and stop, close my eyes and try and empty my mind the best thing will appear magically? How much of your life is wasted because you forgot to record to relive it later? Does spontaneous ideating to spontaneously forgetting the idea mean you should obsessively stop and write the second the idea strikes you as lightning? And if it's visual stimulus that's the brainchild of the idea, does blinking repeatedly (not unnaturally) over time add to the idea's erosion? There's so much you can do with your time if you pay attention to your brain. If you amuse yourself thoroughly with every idea and allow yourself to go down the deliciously fulfilling internet research of it. Or even your own musings! How do you ensure the security of such a mind? And by s...

How well each day turns out is pretty much equal to which version of you decided to play frontwoman that morning. Today, being a Sunday, seems to have allowed my inner disciplinarian to show up. Of course, she does show up unannounced, but my other alter ego - insufferably spoilt child-adult is always armoured and ready to beat her down to a pulp. I wonder a lot about self-love and I know now, probably always have known, that self-love is almost entirely dependent on self-discipline. It's crazy how much leeway you can give yourself in the name of being lazy, or tired, or lazy because of being tired, or worse: both. I initially opened up my laptop to binge House of Cards but then somehow landed on here, writing about what I'm feeling, rather than doing what I seem to do every Sunday anyway. I am guilty. I am guilty of letting my life pass me by and it's because I am Brutus-ing. I am torn between doing something and doing nothing about my problems. I am slowly inching ...

A life where it's assumed that there is life after work. Where you can afford a big house and a car in a good suburb. Where little puppies can run with abandon in wide open dog parks. Where simple joys like sunsets and sand and moonlight and fresh air are hungrily devoured. Where you can climb mountains weekly. Where your knees, not your very soul, could possibly pose the only true threat. Where evenings are open to indulge in your surroundings. A truly liveable life. An idyllic reality a mind like mine struggles to fully fathom. A life where work consumes your mind and practically every waking hour. Where owning a one bedroom apartment is an impossible dream. Where billboards and smog continually dissipate all ideas of natural beauty. Where all imagination endures a silent death. Where a mind, however motivated, is constricted by the lethargy of a increasingly unhealthy body. Where there's not a fortunate moment of privacy. Where the crowds only exaggerate solitude without th...

Happiness, unlike so strongly believed to be earlier by me is not a state of divine discontent. It is a state of calm. Of wanting to prove nothing. And being sure about what you want, when you want it, and WHY you want it. It is being content with everything you already have. And being realistic and living so totally in the present that there is very little premise to fall back on to a version of a you in the past you no longer relate to and very little premise to aspire to a version of you in the future you refuse to reimagine. Happiness is love and being in love and what it does to your soul with the passing of each day. It is smiling for no reason and letting go of daily trivialities that was earlier such strong stimuli for reaction. Happiness is feeling good about yourself and because of that feeling amazing about everything. Happiness is finding happiness in things and places and faces and sceneries unexpected. Happiness is writing after months and months and not feeling li...

There is a very misleading fallacy some of us are led to believe that we require saving. Such a thought process does nothing to increase your self worth, it just makes you emotionally volatile and messes you up real bad. Yet just the knowledge of how bad something is, isn't quite enough for someone to quit it or suppress it. It's fortunate then, that there exists real things that can actually do this healing "saving" we so shamelessly seek. The absolute best thing I can think of that accomplishes this brave act is music. Anyone who likes music enough will tell you that music possesses a very potent power. The beauty of music is in everything. Even a person born deaf would understand the value of music. It's something so intimate and so incredibly personal. I feel like everyone has a rhythm. There's a reason why some people love a certain genre or have an eclectic taste like I do. The sound of silence is music, the most beautiful kind too! Nothing gives more...

It all started when I was washing my feet in the bathroom after a very long and tiring day. I was still not done with the day though, I had a lot more tasks to complete before I could call it a night. For the past week I had been quite sleep deprived and I am someone who pretty much has dreams every night, strange inexplicable dreams that I don't dwell on long enough to remember the details that are mostly so unfathomable it just slips my mind even though it makes so much sense in my head. But it didn't actually start during the feet washing. It must have started a long time ago, but must have been on indefinite pause till my mind picked it back up today. What is "it" you ask? Well, this "it" I am referring to so mysteriously is a thought process. I like to question the reality of things, and the thought process was so quickly done, that I saw the whole idea in its entirety as soon as I was done with the washing of my feet. I thought about how in dreams I...

Until and unless you don't forgive yourself, nobody's forgiveness can redeem you. Your conscience is not bound to anyone else's. So even if you pass judgement or bitchy comments on someone's attitude, it will only affect the person to the extent of which his conscience is guilt ridden. If he's not guilty, anything you express will be as good as unheard, he will be indifferent, possibly even if you're hurting. But if he's guilty, the same words could pierce like daggers, the same words could cause a lot of tears. The idea is to redeem yourself in your own eyes before you seek for forgiveness, because even if forgiveness is granted completely, with a clean heart and it's as true a forgiveness as can be, the guilty person will not believe it, he will not accept it, and although your forgiveness might count for something, and it might help the person in his path to redemption, especially if you mean a lot to them, it will not do the job in it's entirety:...

It is truly amazing how much thinking you can get done while brushing your teeth. Despite the noise, loud childish cheering at 2 am. Despite the scatter of unorganized overexcited ideas all gushing and so very loud, annoying even. It's amazing how soon things change, how unexpectedly and when it does, it feels so right and so normal. You look exactly the same. But in your head, and your heart, there's this freshness of thought, a complete new page is turned, but it's not a new page really. It's been lying crumbled in a pocket and you've only now found the strength to stop holding so tightly your fist around it; and to surely and brightly bring it up to the table, spread it open, ease out every crease with your fingers and look upon it with entirely new perspective. The page that was once so full of your scribbling, with no space to so much as squeeze in the breadth of a hair strand, is now blank as can ever blank be. No matter it's all a platter of scattered ...

You and you alone have the right and the power to pick yourself back up when you feel like you're in the darkest tunnel. Funnily, (almost made this as a bingo the other day), it's you alone who allows yourself to even let things effect you enough to drive yourself right into the tunnel. But all tunnels have an end. It's only a matter of time; and time is very relative to your emotional state of mind; before the event you're dreading passes by (my exams), and you're back to some semblance of normalcy. A month of depression can feel like 3 months. There's an end to everything that begins. It's just that when we're overwhelmed and too hurt to move because we think it'll only hurt more if we move, and it's so much easier to drown in the misery and even enjoy it just a little bit; it's just that when we're too involved in the sorrow, we don't understand that there is going to be a day, however far in the future, that the thing(s) bringing...

The idea of being in love and staying in love for life is moronic. Who is willing to share all their important feelings and events with just one person? What purpose does it serve knowing exactly what your partner ate all day? You're not going to do a stool test and investigate if all the items are present in it's shitty form are you? Then what is the point? Why are we so bent on making our lives surround one person? Isn't our life enough? Why can't we be content with loving just ourselves and our dear ones. Why is there a need to find that one special someone. And how do you know that person is the one anyway? You don't. It just happens. When you want something bad enough you make it work, and it would work if the potential partner is even a little interested. Once the catch is fresh it can easily be fried or cooked nicely to your personal taste. I don't believe I will fall in love to such an extent that I will constantly text and talk on the phone and get rest...

I wrote this 2 years ago and thinking it was too lame to be put up I didn't. But I stumbled across it now and realized I have WAY too much nonsense up on this blog and it's not like anyone's judging/reading so might as well put this shit up too. Here goes: Now I'm going to start rambling about this. You've probably stumbled across this sort of post around many blogs because it's so overdone, but, i'm in a cheesy mood right now and this train of thought has entered my station of mind so i've decided to go ahead and go on with it and ramble because cheesy's all i've got, for now. So, my (loyal or forced-at-gun-point) readers, i'm going to start this cheesy ramble. Be warned. Okay, now, every person at some point in their lives begin to question oneselves, others, just question, what is love? And I at 17 it's just been long enough for me to come to terms with this great word and start to understand and analyse it. So here comes the ra...

I only name this Mowgli because, one, I mention him twice, in two different contexts. And two, because naming it 'ponderings' or 'thoughts' would make it super done. Oh, and because Mowgli is awesome. Experiences form a mind. Each person is defined by their experience, good or bad. A great mind directly correlates to great experiences. Each experience good or bad, constitutes each part of your beliefs. You believe what you see, what you're told, what you feel. But these are all obvious statements. As usual, I have a string of questions to complicate the simplicity of this fact, like every other common knowledge -- which is basically what we have led ourselves to believe is true, and thus have created facts. We see the ground and say it's the ground. We've forged an identity for this thing that looks kind of groundy and so we call it the ground. What makes the ground groundy we know is by it's characteristics. You name a white dog snowy, for example. Bu...

What you fear and what you want can never be the same. When you fear death, you don't want to die. When you want to die, there is no fear. There is also no fear when you are blindsided with courage. But that is another blog post for another time. Maybe our spirit soul, the essence of what we are, wants only that which has, at some point been familiar with. When we want to gain sensual pleasures never experienced in this lifetime ever before, we do because there is a certain sense of familiarity that assures us into believing it is what we want. How does fear of something change to want then? Does that happen when forces outside of us assure us into believing it's what we want? I don't know. There are only questions, unending, and aimless, rolling in the deep. So does this made up theory imply that our soul, having gone through so much, already assumes what is good for us and lends us that familiarity in our gut that makes us believe in it so wholly? This is toh, my ...

While in the bathroom today, I stumbled across an interesting paradox. It's believed that the best things in life happen unexpectedly.  Also, it's is generally believed that when you want to be happy and successful you should be positive about life. Negativity is thought to bring only sorrow and bitterness. But here's the catch: doesn't being positive involve a positive frame of mind where everything that happens is in the hope and expectation of something good for your benefit? Of course it does. Then how, when you are being positive or hopeful about something, it doesn't happen? Why do these best things have to happen unexpectedly? I understand that this does not happen in every case and naturally being negative is bad. But sometimes when you least expect things to happen, they do, and then you somehow value it much more. When we believe that when good things happen to us unexpectedly we assume somewhere in our heads that is has been engineered from out of o...

Today I ate a mango. An everyday thing to do when you are a mango addict living in Mumbai and the season for mangoes is fast fading. You'd think this would be a mindless activity, something you do while watching a stupid serial about perfect bahus. (well, atleast in my case) (I was bored.) But, it wasn't. On the other hand, as dramatic as it may sound, this mundane act of eating a simple mango (actually it was pretty awesome) was a great philosophical epiphany for me. When I was done with the fars(you won't understand these terms unless you are Sindhi), I moved on the the core. I got so into it I realised there was no mango left to eat. Scraped clean I got the idea to break it open. Something I vaguely remember doing when I was younger. Breaking it open was easy, as unlike alphonso mangoes the core of this mango variety was more open-able. Opening it, I was presented with this huge, ugly, weird coloured seed. It was a dicot seed and when I saw it I felt like I already...

You have to catch the thought before you let it disappear. Before you forget the idea, you must express it in some form before it's gone forever. Don't wait for your dreams to merge with your reality till it's true. You have to let yourself be who you want to. You have to do the things that make you happy. No one else can give you what you want better than you can. The more self-reliant you are, the more independent you'll be. And with independence comes self-confidence. And if others misconstrue that as selfishness, don't try and prove them otherwise, because nobody is worth that effort. You can't expect anybody to know you. And if someone finally does understand you, without your actions ever being justified, hold on to them. If they can see your strength, and respect you and love you for it, then that's just the multiplication of joy, not the addition of it, to your life. Love and music makes my life beautiful. Music is love. Music is so powerful. I cou...

It is never as easily done as it is said it will be done. Things are never what they seem. Most times. All my life I have believed things are what you make them to be. And have thus believed wholeheartedly in the concept that life is indeed simple. That is because I have always wanted it to be simple. Simplex  is not simple. It's complex. But then again it's simple if you can understand and deal with the complex. That is why probably the designation, simplex. Everyone who believes in the simplicity of life would be in total agreement with me if I were to state, not for the first time, that you should do what makes you happy. That forms the base of this simplicity in life. The happiest people are the ones blessed with ignorance and those who live by the simple belief of doing what makes them happy. But the brutal truth of life is that: it's never so easy. There are always hurdles to conquer, the path is rocky, the one that leads to happiness. But then it is supposed to ...

Studying, or the lack of it, essentially sitting down with the intention to study at some point after my intending to sit to study, always seems to bring out a want to write something, sing something, doing anything, but studying. It's something I have struggled with for years. In my kindergarten teacher's reports, there are remarks that read: "Kamna gets distracted very easily." I guess that explains why my only memories of that time is of me fiddling with clay and talking to my best buddy/first love Koko. I ran a search on him sometime ago, and found, to my great delight that there is a kid star of my age in Lagos today, by the name of Koko. I have a fantasy that one day we shall stumble upon each other when I am revisiting my place of birth and get married in Ikoyi Club. It will not happen. My speaking about it jinxes it. I don't believe in jinxes. Yet I know that somehow when you dream absurdly, or expect absurdly nine times out of ten, you're jinxing i...

Tears are a sorry and sad excuse as well as a substitute for an incomprehensible and elusive wave of emotion. You cry when you are overcome with emotion. But do any of us really know what our tears mean? What feelings they stand for? You cry when it's too much to take; When the world as a whole seems to encapsulate your emotional being and all you can do is cry. A real person cannot hold back tears. And when I say real person I do not intend to offend fake people. I am only stating the obvious that for you to cry, or to express any emotion for that matter, you need to be very alive and in touch with reality. Babies cry because they don't know any better. Adults however only cry when that's all they're reduced to doing. It's primitive instinct to regress into childish behaviors when we are experiencing the extremes of emotions such as joy and pain. The idea is to make crying an emotionally gratifying and light heartening experience. Crying never made pain worse. It...