Kamna's Blog

Do you recall who you were before the trauma that led you take your own life? Why couldn't you? Is a question I'll never get answered Never in the sense that I never will encounter your soul, the same very one  All I have is your ghost for the rest of my life I can't reconcile That I couldn't be the one who you could lean on In your worst times You knew you had only one way out The untimely suddenness of you being gone Is all I have I have to sit with my incapacity for nights many more beyond the wee hours of three Unanswered questions  I hope to understand  But it seems futile Another mother mourns a child gone too soon Another mentor sobs through sheets A bad dream I refuse to close my eyes and once again see

It’s predictably every January The psychological shift mentally That this year will be different More resolve to achieve archived aspirations I feel a new shift, different from Januaries past This version of me is more frugal than ever The indulgence mindset dissolving away Every decision not wrought with impulse Rather a cautiousness that what will come easy won't last A peace, a serenity, acknowledgement that what lasts won’t come easy Your share of the pie is reserved for only you to devour But endure you must The delays, the trials, the foreshadowing and signs of slowly unraveling dreams  Faith, perseverance and positivity in your little colourful fanny pack This is the path most exquisite The learnings abundant This is my dharma and I will not shortcut it

Say stop For if uninterrupted I may keep talking "Listening intently The coffee steaming Your story must go on" I'm done Just about finished You may go now, dear "You're wonderful So much endeavoured Yet your feet stay grounded" Thank you Much too kind Hope to see you later

Time to confess About how big your courage is Does it permeate into scary new waters? Does it falter too, like mine? Like leaning back against a settee that moves with your movement Proving its unreliability and your misjudgement spontaneously Like revealing secrets in the dark and realising with great shock it was just the black curtain before the keenly listening silent audience Proving its fallacy and your foolish folly spontaneously

“You’ll move mountains with that persistence” Sure, assuming I persist consistently Which is a big if What if the mountain doesn’t want to be moved? Its immobility is its strength. It’s my mountain but everyone’s watching They all want to know how I’ll overcome it. But I ask of them Show me your mountain too Let me see it budge by you Monkey see monkey do

Transcribed from paper . Unused to writing with a pen. Well at least it’s a gel pen. Reminds me of 10th board exams. The blue gel. The familiar neat cursive as if it was a friend's rather than my own. The fact that it's an Add Gel and I loved the Cat version. I enjoyed the cab ride here, my first time in Aundh, in awe of this plush bungalow-flled part of Pune. I am trying not to hunch but it’s more comfortable when I do. Would probably be better to sit on the floor so I have back support but I don't want to distract everyone's writing by making sudden movements. I’m not supposed to stop writing but I do want to. I want to take in the interesting sights of this beautiful flat. The full floor is one flat. I want to close my eyes and listen to this calming music. It’s very background to your thoughts kind of music but it could also very well accompany me on solo cosy walks. I burnt my hand recklessly last weekend and I’m waiting to see how long it will be before it heals. ...